The extra wheel: Finding your own happiness as the 'single friend'
“May girlfriend ka na?”—it’s a question I (if not many single adults) constantly get from older relatives during family reunions. And every time, my answer’s the same—“Wala pa po.”
Meanwhile, my relatives don’t need to ask my older sisters or my cousins the same question, because they either already know the answer, or because their significant others are there in person. So for quite some time now, I’ve been the ‘single one’ in the family.
My singlehood isn’t just made apparent during family reunions either. My immediate family often gets together during weekends, when my brothers-in-law join us. My closest group of friends bring their significant others to our monthly get-togethers now, too. All the while, I remain flying solo—and, honestly, I’ve never been happier.
I know how it sounds. It sounds like a coping mechanism for someone unlucky in love.
Admittedly, being happy in my singlehood wasn’t always the case. When I was younger, whispers of envy did plague the back of my mind once or twice. I also wished for someone to share intimate moments with—the family dinners, the double dates, the holidays that couples mark their calendars to celebrate their relationships. I’m only human. I obviously wanted those things for myself too. Nag “sana all” din naman ako.
I witnessed firsthand that being in a relationship is not a constant state of euphoria. It’s a journey that involves effort, compromise, and understanding.
But as I continued to orbit the couples that surrounded me, I came to the slow and gradual realization that what I possibly envied, and what I thought I wanted for myself, were rooted in fantasy. I only envied what I could see on the surface—the subtle displays of affection, the shared glances that spoke volumes, or the shared laughter to inside jokes only they knew.
I realized I was envious of something shallow, and it was thanks to being a single friend surrounded by loving couples that I came to that realization.
I witnessed firsthand that being in a relationship is not a constant state of euphoria. It’s a journey that involves effort, compromise, and understanding.
The relationships of my friends and family with their significant others went beyond romance or plain companionship. They have partnerships that are built on mutual respect, shared dreams, and a willingness to weather life’s storms together. Their relationships weren’t about avoiding challenges, but navigating them together. Their relationships were about supporting each other in moments of vulnerability and celebrating triumphs as a team.
When I looked at it from that perspective, it became easy to realize that there is nothing to be envious about. What was there to be envious of, when I already experienced those aspects of relationships with those very same couples? My friends and family don’t see me as an extra wheel to their relationship as a couple, but as an integral part of our collective relationship. They value my company, my humor, and my opinions regardless of my relationship status. They don’t see me as their single anything. To them, what’s important is that I’m their friend, their brother, or their son.
Being single doesn’t define who I am.
That’s why I’ve never been happier. Not because I realized I could be content in my solitude, but because I realized I’m not. I find happiness in the connections I’ve built and continue to nurture. My solo flight is not a sign of lack, but an affirmation of the richness of the relationships that have woven into the fabric of my life. I’ve discovered the joy that comes from embracing my journey and celebrating the collective tapestry we’ve created together.
I’m happy in my singlehood, in finding comfort as an individual, in appreciating the current richness of my connections, and in recognizing my readiness for a different kind of relationship will come in its own time.
Don’t get me wrong, even with those realizations, I can still hear those whispers of envy every now and again. Except now, there’s no hint of bitterness. It’s more of a quiet and hopeful longing. I long for what my friends, my extended family, my sisters, and my parents have—love. Love that comes in many forms, and love that isn’t confined to just romance. Love that takes hard work, commitment, and proper communication to foster. The kind of love I’ve had the privilege of learning from the couples I used to envy. The kind of love that, I realized, I’m not personally ready for yet.
I’m happy in my singlehood, in finding comfort as an individual, in appreciating the current richness of my connections, and in recognizing my readiness for a different kind of relationship will come in its own time.
Until then, I'll continue relishing the beauty of flying solo. Understanding that happiness is not contingent on relationship status, but on the depth of connections that make life truly fulfilling
When I think about it, this is actually the first time I’ve ever shared these thoughts. I can already imagine my friends and family reading this and asking me, “So wala ka nang balak mag-girlfriend?” and my answer, at least for now, is “Wala pa po.”
