Why is it so hard to tell our parents we love them?
As a shy teenager, I often asked my mom, “Do you love me?”
“Yes, I love you” was the response I would get. I realize I was constantly longing to hear this from my parents – they have their ways of expressing love, but growing up, “I love you” was never part of the routine. We weren’t used to it.
Don’t get me wrong. I was, and am, loved. Love was never absent in our home. But I grew up feeling the contrary because I had to ask before I could hear them say so.
It is only three words, but those words hold a lot of weight
I ask my high school friend Erik if he says “I love you” to his parents. “We’re Asians, of course I don’t,” he says. Erik knows that, for some people, actions speak louder: “Words are just words if you don't really mean it.”
Maybe part of breaking the pattern is letting them hear the words they may never have heard as much.
“Some cultures show love without saying it. There are other ways to express our love for our parents, and for me, actions that make their lives easier and show you care for their well-being are more important than saying it,” he adds.
Not hearing our parents say “I love you” may be a product of their own upbringing, where love is more implicitly expressed. It may not have been a frequent part of their lives; their parents may not have been used to it like they are now.
The difficulty of saying “I love you” can also stem from not feeling loved growing up. ”She wasn’t a ‘good’ mom to me, and I had a rough childhood because of her. It made me hate her. I became independent growing up,” shares Luna, my online-turned-IRL friend.
“Lumaki na kami ng mga kapatid ko na thinking we only have ourselves now, (kahit na) I still can’t bear to see na wala siya sa buhay ko,” Luna shares.
“It's difficult to say ‘I love you’ to a person na hindi kami priority.”
Breaking the pattern as a young adult can be strenuous and pressuring
“I love you” can mean a lot of things. It can be the comfort and peace that Luna feels with her second home, her significant other and friends. “It’s really easy to say it to them. I felt what I needed to feel. They healed my inner child.”
For those with similar struggles, Luna says: “I hope stepping into adulthood, naayos na yung issue at nagbago na sila so it can be now easy for you to say it to your parents. Maybe say ‘I love you’ to them if you think they are worth it. Kung pinalaki ka nang maayos, ‘yung hindi ka binigyan ng trauma.”
A part of me believes that it’s okay not to say it. As Erik says, “I’m sure that our parents know that we love them, and they know that we are trying our best to express that to them.”
Another part of me believes saying it is essential because we never know if we’re saying it for the last time. Learning to be vulnerable around our parents is okay, too. You’re letting them into your life. You’re letting them know you more and what kind of love you intend to express to them.
It’s okay if, right now, “I love you” is a struggle. It’s different for everyone, but maybe part of breaking the pattern is being open about our feelings and, if we’re ready, letting them hear the words they may not have heard as much from us.