Can the quality of our relationships affect our health?
With Mother’s Day on the horizon and events planned around this unique and loving occasion, it made me think of the crucial importance of our connectedness, not only through kinship but with our friends, loved ones and partners. How does the quality of these bonds affect the caliber of our life?
It turns out wellness and relationships are unequivocally connected and closely intertwined.
When it comes to our health and well-being, our relationships are essential to assess the quality of our life. The people we relate to daily who help us keep our heads above water when life gets rough and we face challenges are essential not only in connection with our emotional health but studies are proving our longevity as well.
What will matter, for most of us, when we look back on our life is simple: it’s not work, money or status but the deep connections we’ve had with our mates, family, friends and co-workers.
Scientists agree that healthy relationships strengthen our immune system, allow us to live longer, and help us manage anxiety and stress. Reversely, those who feel healthy, happy and content make better spouses and companions.
In the last few decades, considerable research in neuroscience has shown that human interaction—or lack of it—can lead to crucial alterations in the functioning of our brain for both better and worse.
Executive functioning, which is the capability of the brain to regulate impulses and thoughts, is diminished by social disconnection. We tend to be more impulsive, anxious and less resilient to emotional stress if we lack deep, nurturing relationships. These emotional consequences tend to spill over into our physical realm.Leading neurologist John Cacioppo noted: “Loneliness and lack of social interaction can lead to impulsive behaviors which, while pleasurable, can be harmful to our physical health: consuming high amounts of sugar and fatty foods, lack of exercise, alcohol bingeing and drug abuse are a few worth mentioning.” It is not that loneliness itself is unhealthy, but the emotions associated with being alone can set off a cascade of biological consequences. Cacioppo’s team also found that feeling alone is associated with increased levels of stress hormones.Consider whether this is true in your life. How does your behavior change when you feel lonely or lack connection? Do you sleep as well? Do you eat differently? Are your reactions to daily life in balance? It’s an interesting and introspective observation to be aware of and ponder.Research shows that five areas of our lives are positively affected when our connections are balanced. Let’s take a look:
1. We stress less. In a committed relationship, we produce less cortisol, also known as the stress hormone, suggesting that paired people are less responsive to psychological anxiety and that having a partner can be a great buffer against stress. There’s even evidence to suggest that couples who live together are happier than those who don’t. “Knowing someone loves and supports you when you’re going throughout your day, even if the person is not physically present, is a mental health booster,” says Dr. Fisher, a Northwestern Medicine psychologist and relationship expert.
2. We heal quicker. Whether it’s having someone there to remind you to take your medicine, share a meal or talk to us and distract us from the pain, studies are showing that long-term partners who have undergone heart surgery, for example, are three times more likely to survive the first months after surgery than single patients. Long-term partners also reported feeling more confident about their ability to handle post-surgery pain and were less worried about the surgery in general. A little emotional support can go a long way toward helping a person recover from a procedure or illness.
3. We tend to have a healthier lifestyle. Healthy relationships set the perfect tone for an overall healthy lifestyle. If our spouse, partner, friend or other loved one encourages us to eat healthy, exercise and meditate, we will likely follow their example. It’s much easier to take on healthy behaviors when surrounded by like-minded people.
4. We have a greater sense of purpose. Many of us strive to feel like we are doing something good for others and improving the world somehow. Being in a caring relationship gives a person a sense of well-being and purpose.
5. We are likely to live longer. Research shows that having social ties can increase longevity. We all have unique needs when it comes to relationships. Even if you enjoy your own company or being alone, attempting to form a few close relationships could benefit your mental and physical health. Even having one or two solid and healthy relationships in your life can positively affect your overall health.
How to Cultivate relationships
There are several ways to create these connections. You could start by setting up a regular date night with your spouse or a playdate with your child. Or schedule a walk with a close friend or work colleague. Join a group with the same interests or a weekly movie night. The great thing about this practice is that you are giving yourself an excuse to have fun and connect with others.
You may wonder why you must make this extra scheduling effort to connect with your friends and family. The reason is that we tend to prioritize “productive activities” over connection.
We will spend an extra hour on email instead of playing with our child for 20 minutes or choose to do our accounting instead of having a meaningful conversation with someone we love. Although these productive activities are important, scheduling “bonding time” gives you an excuse to shut off your phone, laptop or TV and cultivate an essential habit for a happier life: deep connections with the people around you, both new and old.
The Weekly Practice Method
This practice is simple yet profound. Schedule and consciously set aside weekly quality time to strengthen your relationships and friendships.
Book it. At the beginning of each month, schedule time with the most important people in your life or set up a time to meet someone new. Plan a couple of fun outings, organize a shared meal, and reach out to those you want to spend time with so they can also make it happen.
Make it a ritual.When possible, set up a recurring connection so it’s easy for everyone to make it happen. Friday night can be restaurant night for the family, Thursday mornings walk with a friend/neighbor, Saturday date nights with your partner, and Sunday connect with parents or siblings in person or online.
Go device-free. This may be hard at first, but try to switch off to be fully present during this time.
What will matter, for most of us, when we look back on our life is simple: it’s not work, money or status but the deep connections we’ve had with our mates, family, friends and co-workers.
Remember, strong connections are about quality, not quantity. Even if you only have 15 minutes with someone, do it. Even that short moment can be more powerful than a whole hour of distracted or superficial time.
Focusing on relationships is an opportunity to practice and integrate multiple resiliency skills to ensure your connection reaches a deeper level.
Some of these are:
Compassion. When you meet with extended family, use this as a cue to shift to understanding. Instead of paying attention to their quirks or irritating qualities, redirect your focus to empathy and love. Feel what walking in their shoes for a day might be like. Be kind, gentle, and open.
Gratitude. The next time you spend time with someone important to you, use this as a cue to shift to gratitude. Tell this person what you appreciate most about them. Remember how lucky you are to have someone so amazing in your life.
Presence. “Quality time” means being present. Take the opportunity to flex your presence muscles and focus on the person you are with. Make eye contact, and use touch to express your warmth and empathy.
Caring involvement with others may be one of the most straightforward health strategies to access. It’s inexpensive, requires no special equipment or regimen, we can engage in it in many ways, and its main aim is enjoyment with someone you appreciate.
Make it a habit to connect with those around you regularly. It’s good for your health.