Anatomy of a situationship
The word “situationship” can strike fear into the heart of any 20-something, and annoyance in that 20-something’s best friends. It’s a label for a relationship without a label, a placeholder for this gray area for people who are romantically entangled but don’t want to admit it.
In recent years, there’s been a spike in people getting into situationships with their not-significant others. But what exactly is its appeal? Are there any unspoken rules in this unspoken relationship? Why do we fall into it and not want to get out?
No commitment
When people say they’re in a situationship, it’s not usually a good thing. Kathryn (an alias given to a friend for obvious reasons) recounts one she’s been in. “The most defining trait is wala kayong commitment,” she says. “There’s something going on, though. The actions are normally associated with dating, but you don’t call it that.”
In other words, you get to experience romance without the potential downsides of being in a relationship. There’s no meeting their family or trying to vibe with their friends. You don’t have to remember important anniversaries or buy gifts for special occasions. Some people like the thrill without all the other stuff, and that’s perfectly fine!
But situationships, unlike other types of no-commitment relationships, aren’t usually agreed on. It’s rare for all parties involved to declare their relationship a “situationship” outright. That could lead to someone getting hurt because intentions aren’t clarified or communicated.
Some people like it because of that fact; there’s no need to talk about romantic intentions with other people. Are they seeing anyone else? In a situationship, that doesn’t really matter. “They aren’t required to disclose what they’re doing in their dating life to you,” Kathryn says.
Short-term fix (arguably)
Kathryn highlights one perk, though. “(It’s) if you just want to feel giddy and hopeful because it could become something more,” she says. “It’s good if you want to feel good, (like) a Band-Aid thing.”
In her case, it was with someone who blurred the line between friendship and flirtation. Fleeting kilig moments might be appealing to most people. But you have to be ready for situationships to end abruptly or go on for too long. Often you won’t see it concretely develop or grow. Unless it turns into an actual relationship, it can be difficult to watch it progress.
Pushing and pulling
So, if you’re not really vibing with the situationship, why not just leave?
Well, there’s a push-and-pull aspect to it that keeps you going. Kathryn compared situationships to the paradox of Schrödinger's cat: you never really know if you’re in a relationship or not until you open that box. Sweet moments aside, Kathryn’s not-significant other would sometimes act cold, especially when she wanted to clarify with him what they were.
“When I tried to ask for a call or made it like I wanted to talk about something (serious), he avoided it,” she continues. “It was more complicated because it was a shaky time for him mentally. Some part of me felt bad; would it be okay to drop this bomb on him during this time when it’s super heavy?” At the end of the day, Kathryn feels she let it go on for too long. “I pulled away because there were no more actions na romantic.”
While romantic attention can make you feel on top of the world, situationships can leave you confused more often than not.
It’s crazy how much you can cry over someone you didn’t officially have anything with.
A different kind of heartbreak
Some people say that staying in a situationship can become more hurtful in the long run.
I pose Kathryn a hypothetical scenario: would you rather the situationship ends and you never become a couple, or would you rather have gotten together officially and then break up?
“The second one,” she answers. “I don’t grapple well with uncertainties. I try to avoid it, and situationships are the epitome of that. At least when it's a real relationship, it's a clear-cut thing. You tried it, it didn’t work, the end.” She says that situationships can get more in your head. “There are (unexplored) narratives and what-ifs. I think this is more damaging; you circle around it more since there's no concrete truth.”
It was hard for her to let go. “I was a ball of anxiety. (You keep going) until you have to tell yourself to stop, and ‘dun ka pa maghe-heal, unlike a relationship where you can start na after the breakup.”
After our talk, we both agreed on one thing: it’s crazy how much you can cry over someone you didn’t officially have anything with.
There are lessons to be learned, though. Just like every other trial in life, you can come out of a situationship knowing a lot more about yourself. You learn about your wants and needs, and how those weren’t being met in the situationship.
Kathryn says that it was bad experiencing it, but it was “eye-opening.” “I got to take off the clown wig. People have to be the ones to tell you, (and sometimes) ‘pag nakwento mo, that’s when you realize (you should have listened to your friends).”
As Kathryn’s friend, I’m just glad she made it through this situationship without too many scratches.