'My significant other is mad at me for watching porn but I consider it art'

Each week, PhilSTAR L!fe addresses a reader's concern about relationships, career, and anything they want to talk about through its advice column: Asking for a Friend.

Dear L!fe friend,

Hi. I need some advice. 

I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship has been on the rocks lately because he found out that I'm watching porn. He used my laptop for work and saw my search history.

It's been a pastime for me even before we got into a relationship. He says he feels uncomfortable because it's a form of "cheating," but I love him with all my heart. I just see porn as art. 

Could my boyfriend be overreacting? I don't think I can let go of watching porn just like that, because I know in my heart that I see it as art and not at all "cheating." How can we talk about this without fighting? 

—Porn Watcher Girlfriend 

Dear Porn Watcher Girlfriend, 

First, let me agree with you that porn can also be art, artistic, artful. Have you seen Shortbus—a 2006 dramedy that posits on the lives of hetero and homo couples in New York? There’s so much nudity in that award-winning film, in almost every scene; and yet there’s also so much heart, in all the frames. 

I discussed the merits of Shortbus to a Pinoy friend while we were having beer in a pub in Salzburg, Germany during winter of 2012. Next thing I knew, we were having a meeting the next day with an editor of a porn magazine based in Central Europe. The offer to me was irresistible: $400 for every review of gay porn films,  twice a month. I would write an omnibus review of three films in English and it would be translated into other European languages.

I was sent links to hardcore pornographic clips—the male porn stars’ names are still fresh in my mind. I watched them all and was formulating a review in my mind.

“It would be addicting,” the editor said in a matter-of-factly tone. 

That was the moment I declined the offer. 

Not to play holier than thou, I was drawn to accepting the offer. Who wouldn’t like $800 as a side hustle income? But anything that will be a hassle to my mental disposition is a red flag.

Porn watching is addicting. Because it has been proven by science that it has neurological consequences, its use should be reconsidered and recalibrated by the viewer. In 2018 alone, Pornhub, the world’s largest free porn site and where the Philippines tops the list of countries spending time on this adult site in 2021, logged in 33.5 billion site visits. 

Pornography is as old as time. As shown to me by an Egyptologist during a cruise of the Nile River in 2018, sexually explicit pieces of sculpture and drawings on the temple walls were found in Abu Simbel and Kum Ombo in Egypt. Both sites were in existence long before the coming of Christ. I also read that there are sexually explicit findings of frescoes in Mount Vesuvius ruins of Pompeii.

In 2019, Neuroscience News reported: “Science is only just beginning to reveal the neurological repercussion of porn consumption. But it is already clear that the mental health and sex lives of its widespread audience are suffering catastrophic effects. From depression to erectile dysfunction, porn appears to be hijacking our neural wiring with dire consequences.”

The online site further reported that porn scenes, like addictive substances, are hyper-stimulating triggers that lead to unnaturally high levels of dopamine secretion. “This can damage the dopamine reward system and leave it unresponsive to natural sources of pleasure. This is why users begin to experience difficulty in achieving arousal with a physical partner.” 

Methinks long-term exposure to pornography, just like substance, nicotine, alcohol abuse, or addiction to gambling, creates an imbalance in the mental state of a human being. Addiction to pornography compromises what should have been a romantic outing between partners.

Is your boyfriend overreacting to your constant use of pornography? I don’t think so. He loves you enough to call you off on this matter. Perhaps pornography has got in the way of your relationship that’s why he feels iffy about you subscribing to porn. 

Is watching porn a form of cheating? Your boyfriend feels that way. He feels cheated. And you cannot take away that feeling from him.

More than that, it’s you who cheats yourself with your excessive porn watching. I just can’t tell you to stop it because your brain has been rewired to it. You’re drawn to this trade and your mind has been tricked for a long time. You may want to scout for a sex therapist who can address your concern before it affects other dimensions of your life. I strongly suggest you see an experienced counselor because his or her guidance is of prime importance. You are accountable for your action and you will need an individualized plan that will aid in your change of heart.

Here are some negative effects of watching pornography, according to a report by the Utah State University. I’m quoting the bullet points verbatim.

• User faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography;
• User loses interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with partner;
• Partner may view pornography use as infidelity and a betrayal to the relationship;
• Partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use;
• Partner may feel that certain sexual activities desired by user are objectionable;
• Both user and partner experience a decrease in relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness;
• Relationship trust decreases due to dishonesty and deception about pornography use; and
• One or both partners may be concerned about children’s exposure to pornographic materials. 

Fr. Roy Cimagala of The Freeman—sister company of The Philippine STAR—in his May 23, 2021 article, wrote: “Pornography, like drugs and alcohol, creates a certain state of euphoria, which the addict longs for, yet which never completely satisfies him.”

He added, “There are studies that show that pornography strongly affects the brain, such that the addict gets an irresistible attachment to pornographic images. It somehow modifies the workings of the neurons that can even lead to the diminution of the grey matter of our brain that can impair our decision-making.” 

Healing, however, is possible, according to the same Utah State University report. Here are some ways:

“Become aware and understand how pornography creates problems. For individuals struggling with the addiction, it may be important to set aside time to honestly evaluate the impact of past pornography and possible future outcomes to strengthen their resolve to change. For partners, an open conversation about the negative effects may be helpful (Corley & Schneider, 2002; Zitzman & Butler, 2005)."

“Re-evaluate and identify values to provide motivation for change. Individuals who take time to reflect on their values, beliefs, and goals, as well as how they want to be viewed by themselves and others may result in motivation to change (Young, 2001, 2008)."

“Face the fears of what life would be like without pornography. There is usually a reason why individuals choose to use pornography in the first place, so removing this habit from their lives may be challenging (Young 2001, 2008). Identifying and admitting specific fears about quitting pornography is an important step in ultimately resolving those fears."

“Take responsibility for self-recovery. While other people can provide support and encouragement, only the individual can ultimately decide if he or she has a desire to change and is willing to do so (Landau, Garrett & Webb, 2008).”